Azul Cup: Season 3

[Injured Pigeon]

Hobbs: Hello and welcome to the Azul Cup roundup?

Royce: Yay.

Hobbs: Before we kick off todays update, we’ve just received some wonderful news.

Royce: Have MayMay, Brennan and Patime finally grown board of annoying everyone else?

Hobbs: No, Priptonite_ and his wife just had their baby boy!

Royce: Well, the old dog. At his age I didn’t think he’d be able to get it up, let alone that there’d still be lead in the old pencil.

Hobbs: Well, apparently there is.

Royce: Unless it’s someone else’s baby?

Hobbs: Hmm. I didn’t think of that.

Royce: I bet he has.

Hobbs: I’m sure it’s his. But at his age, by the time his boy is at school he’ll be…

Royce: Dead?

Hobbs: Could be. It’s a mine field out there. Cancer…

Royce: Parkinsons.

Hobbs: Heart disease.

Royce: Stroke.

Hobbs: Alzheimer’s

Royce: To be fair, I think he already does have Alzheimer’s. It really explains his stats - when he’s lucid he plays Azul well.

Hobbs: And when he’s not lucid?

Royce: I think he thinks he’s playing Rummikub.

Hobbs: That would explain it. Anyway, he posted a pick of the baby, do you want to see it?

Royce: I don’t know, I need a good sleep tonight.

Hobbs: Oh no, it’s cute.

Royce: Yeah, it’s not his then… Go on, let’s see it.



Royce: Oh, it is cute.

Hobbs: Yeah…

Royce: But by the looks of his wife in that pic, it must have been a long labour.

Hobbs: Yeah, that 5 o'clock shadow is really showing. I wonder what they’ll call him.

Royce: Azul.

Hobbs: There’s such variety these days…

Royce: Azul.

Hobbs: You don’t normally want to start talking about Azul so soon.

Royce: No, that’s what they’ll call him, for sure.

Hobbs: Oh… my god, you’re right. I wonder how they’ll decorate little Az’s nursery.

Royce: No need to wonder. Mateuszrze-bot, Priptonite has had a baby…

Mateuszrze-bot: That does not compute…

Royce: What would little Az’s nursery most likely look like?

Mateuszrze-bot: Generating…




Hobbs: That’s a lot of Azul.

Royce: It’s probably right.

Hobbs: Wait a minute...

Royce: …

Hobbs: … is it?

Royce: The baby has his dad’s eyes.

Hobbs: *shudder* I think now it’s time to talk about the Azul Cup.

Royce: You do it. I need to go and vomit.

Hobbs: OK. Queue fancy graphic!



Hobbs: China is officially confirmed as Group A Champions with the largest of margins – how did we ever doubt their prowess in this competition? Kndr, ximuuu and Tuangcan won each of their respective tournaments, and only Kndr dropped 1 game. The question now is what team will show up for ultimately glory and to defend their title?

In Group B, despite a poor performance by ABCD1234, Germany just clinch qualification over Sweden, beating the swedes 10 points to 8. Zeus and SchengW top their tournaments and mdjileh does the same for Sweden. Whilst no one will be surprised to see Germany qualify, I have to say that Sweden have performed outstandingly in their first ever Azul Cup and really gave Germany something to worry about. Prior to the Azul Cup ABCD12345 hadn’t played a competitive game since early November, and it looks like the rust may have settled in. Germany have applied for a short break to allow ABCD12345 time to train for the finals.

In Group C, a close-run competition between USA, Ireland and Poland culminates in a narrow victory for USA.

Royce: That’s probably the best news Priptonite has had this year.

Hobbs: Absolutely. Peru’s AndrewMC was the real Blackhorse in C1. He entered the tournament as the lowest ranked player with an ELO of 491…

Royce: My Grandma has a higher ELO than that, and she’s registered blind.

Hobbs: And yet he went on to defeat all other players, including brzytwa and Focus. Bangerz just tops C2 on score differences and Poland’s hakha3 wins C3 – a real mixed bag, and USA will have to do better in the finals if they’re to recapture season 1 glory.

In Group D everyone seemed so sure that India would qualify in the group, but Hong Kong demonstrates again why they are one of the strongest, yet most underrated, teams on the Azul scene as Sunny369, CTCTCTCTCT and ernie012 win in all three of group D’s tournaments and amass a commanding 11 points to India’s 8. Hong Kong’s ernie012’s accomplishment is remarkable too as DJOKER is an ELO 850+ player amongst a field of sub 600 ELO players. Hong Kong’s journey in the Azul Cup continues to inspire, narrowly missing qualification in S1, qualifying in S2, and now they have a real shot at winning the finals if they can keep up this form.

In Group E, the group with 6 teams, Italy rather impressively qualifies with 13.5 points in their inaugural season - 3 points clear of runners up the UK who finish on 10.5.

Royce: So, UK get the Wild Card spot again?!

Hobbs: Not quite… but I’ll get to that. E1 was so tight that 4 players all ended up with 3.5 points; on score difference alone, InjuredPigeon for the first time, wins a tournament in the Azul Cup. Musoooootta and Giogdn…

Royce: Easily the best player in the competition…

Hobbs: Wins tournaments E2 and E3 respectively and sail through to the finals.

Royce: So, who has the Wildcard spot?

Hobbs: Well, before the tournament began, there was a ruling for group E that all results against the team that finishes bottom would be nullified. This means that after subtracting a victory in each tournament for the UK, they finish on 7.5 points and for the first time in the competition fail to qualify!

Royce: *Gasp* Fix!!

Hobbs: No fix, those the rulz. It’s “cannon”.

Royce: … are you using that right?

Hobbs: I honestly have no idea. But that leaves Sweden and India tied on 8 points. With no head-to-head records to break the tie, we’re down to everyone’s favourite…

Royce: Azul game scores?

Hobbs: That’s right, and with the aggregates computed we have Sweden on 40 points and India on a massive 93 points – India qualify as season 3’s wildcard.

Royce: Whoop-whoop-whoop!

Hobbs: So, season 3’s finalists will be China, Germany, USA, Hong Kong and first timers Italy and India.

We’re going to take a short break, allowing teams to recuperate and decide if they’ll be any substitutions…

Royce: Priptonite might want to spend some time with the baby too?

Hobbs: We’ll be back in about 7-10 days’ time, dependent upon team submissions, so we’ll see you all again very soon.

[Fade to glory]

[Injured Pigeon]

Hobbs: Hello everyone, and welcome to the Azul Cup Finals!

We’ve had a short break to allow our finalists time to recuperate from the mental stresses of the regionals, but now we’re back. Pleased to be here Royce?

Royce: Nope.

Hobbs: I wonder what our competitors have been up to during the weeklong break?

Royce: I think you know that they’ve been playing Azul.

Hobbs: Training?

Royce: It’s just all they know.

Hobbs: Well, I guess they’ll be well prepared then. Commiserations to those that didn’t make the finals, the regionals were hard fought.

Royce: Before we speak about the finals, we should share our exciting news.

Hobbs: Oh, you mean about our new spin off tournament?

Royce: That’s right. Azul Cup 2v2!

Hobbs: Really?

Royce: No, of course not – that’s a dumb idea.

As you all know, each season we receive complaints that we only allow 3 players per team and some of the nations top talent is simply left out.

Hobbs: Yeah, it’s tough, but some nations lack the depth that others do.

Royce: Indeed. But we’ve finally come up with a solution - SchengW and gentlemen, I give you our spin off tournament!



Hobbs: The “1 v 1 - Azul Cup – Turkeys”? The Turkey edition?

Royce: Yeah. Finally, MayMay, Patime and Brennan will get to be a part of the wonderous Azul Cup.

Hobbs: Oh, that’s nice. Do we have a join link for them?

Royce: Sure… https://boardgamearena.com/tournament?id=518266

Hobbs: The Azul Cup’s just grows and grows.

Royce: Yeah, it’s truly a standout competition, BGA are lucky to have us.

Hobbs: So, without further ado, the Azul Cup, Season 3 finals are upon us!

Royce: Yes, we have 17 of the world’s top players competing.

Hobbs: You’re being mean aren’t you, and not including Hong Kong’s ELO rated 553, Ernie012?

Royce: No! Ernie kicks ass, I’m not including Germany’s ELO rated 908 player, ABCD1234. *spit*

Hobbs: Yeah, he was on poor form. It took Zeus a long time to submit the German team, do you think he was considering changing the team?

Royce: Absolutely. Rumour has it he scoured Germany for a replacement, but no one was willing to join “Mr Personality’s” team. Just look at his initial submission for the finals.



Royce: It should come as no surprise that this guy has a major god complex. It’s no wonder Sapperlot never joins, their EGOs are too large to fit in one team.

Hobbs: Well, I’m pleased the team didn’t change. Zeus, SchengW and ABCD1234 have been a team now for 3 seasons, one of the few teams to not make any changes.

Royce: As I said, it’s not by choice, no one else wants to compete with Zeus.

Hobbs: So, we have 18 players, across 6 national teams, all lined up for the finals!



Royce: Wow, you’re really getting your money’s worth out of that image.

Hobbs: What we’d like to do, is shine a light on the teams, and today we’re going to “Focus” on team USA.

Royce: *sigh* Leave the jokes to me.

Hobbs: Fine. I think it’s only apt to start with the USA team captain, Priprtonite, probably the most famous Azul player on BGA.

Royce: Zeus is going to love that.

Hobbs: What do we know about Priptonite.

Royce: Let’s tale a look at his profile…



Royce: Well, we know he’s old.

Hobbs: He doesn’t look that old.

Royce: Well, to be fair, we recently learned from a recent picture he posted in our Discord channel
that he was in a terrible accident that left him horribly scared, although intensive plastic surgery saved one half of his face, knocking years of his appearance, sadly the other side was left horribly deformed – think Bangerz meets the Elephant Man.

Hobbs: He also plays a lot of Azul.

Royce: Or at least, he did. But that baby of his isn’t going to sleep sixteen hours a day forever. Sure, Mum may be doing all the work right now, but enjoy that tutorial while it lasts. Soon the baby will want to play Kitchens, Dress-up, and God-knows-what else - but never Azul.
Then the toddler phase hits: soft-play that smells like feet, swimming lessons you pay for but never enjoy, and birthday parties every other bloody weekend for children you actively dislike. Then Prip-Junior needs ferrying to soccer for the next eight years, despite having absolutely no talent and even less interest.
A couple of years later Mum pops out another one - maybe two - of these little monsters, the cycle resets, and before you know it Prip’s entire gaming career has been reduced to turn-based moves taken on the toilet, the last remaining sanctuary of a man who once had dreams.
Then they become teenagers and hate you, which is apparently meant to prepare you for them leaving… except they don’t leave anymore. They just linger. In your house. Until their thirties. Eating your food, using your Wi-Fi, borrowing your car, and asking what you did wrong while interrupting your only remaining turn. And they still don’t play Azul!

Hobbs: … Not a fan of Children eh, Royce?

Royce: Not as big a fan as Bangerz is, no.

Hobbs: Priptonite may be the USA teams best shot of racking up some points, but speaking of Bangerz. let’s take a quick look at him. I’ll bring his profile up…



Hobbs: Bangerz has been well behaved this season, surprisingly so.

Royce: It’s because he’s being kept busy playing this season, so the devil can’t make use of his idle hands.

Hobbs: He never used that spiffy profile picture we made for him in the 1st season.

Royce: Ungrateful sod.

Hobbs: Do we think he’s bringing anything to the team this season?

Royce: Herpes?

Hobbs: Well, his record has been typically better than KevinWise’s in this competition. However, in the first day of the tournament, he has suffered a very early defeat at the hand of India’s DJOKER.

Royce: Tough start for Bangerz.

Hobbs: And finally we have Focus.



Hobbs: What do we know about Focus?

Royce: Not much, he recently, and inexplicably changed his name to Owl, which no one seemed to mind.

Hobbs: Yeah, that was odd.

Royce: And he typically surfaces to have a pop at Giogdn.

Hobbs: He really, really, really dislikes Giogdn.

Royce: We all really dislike Giogdn, Hobbs… all of us.

Hobbs: He’s in tier1 with Zeus, Mario-min, Sunny, QuartzMoose and Musoooootta. His record against these players isn’t great: 1 in 6, 0 in 1, 0 in 1, 0 in 1, and 0 in 1, respectively.

Royce: … just, wow.

Hobbs: So, a combined 1 win in 10 games.

Royce: Looks bleak.

Hobbs: So, what are we thinking the USA chances are?

Royce: They look middling to none to me, they should have stepped aside for the UK team if you ask me.

Hobbs: I’d never count the Season 1 champions out, and I think it’s far too early to do so right now. We’ll take a closer look at some of their competition over the next few days to help put this into better perspective. Far now, we’re going to have to leave it there folks – some of us have real day jobs too!

[Fade to zzzzzz…]

[Injured Pigeon]

Hobbs: Hello everyone, and welcome to the Azul Cup roundup – Finals edition.

Royce: You know what Hobbs?

Hobbs: What’s that Royce?

Royce: At this stage in the competition, we often find that as our competitors have reduced from around 80 to 18 that we have less to work with.

Hobbs: This is true.

Royce: So, it’s really appreciated that our 2 stand-ins, Patime and MayMay, can bridge the gap and really keep our audience captivated between our own episodes.

Hobbs: Agreed. These two are comedy gold.

Royce: Yeah, it’s incredible just how quickly they can churn out their material.

Hobbs: It’s honestly quite intimidating for someone like me.

Royce: Job threat.

Hobbs: We better earn our keep today then... The action is already heating up.

Royce: Let’s start at the bottom of the tables this time around.

Hobbs: Unorthodox, but OK.

At the bottom of group C is Bangerz, who has managed 0 wins in 4 games, defeated by everyone.

Royce: Just like in life.

Hobbs: He’s playing his final game against Giogdn right now, and has opted for a peculiar column build as he aggressively tries to block Giogdn’s own column, but with row 2 black secured for Giogdn, it’s not looking good at this stage.

Royce: Bangerz’s abject failure so far does seems to have brought a smile to the Azul community however, so it is appreciated by the rest of us, even if not by team USA.

Hobbs: And sadly, it gets no better for the USA team…

Royce: Is Priptonite having one of his turns again?

Hobbs: Afraid so, he finds himself at the bottom of Group B with 2 defeats and no wins.

Royce: So, can we now say that the USA has no chance?

Hobbs: I think at this stage Guatemala has a better shot at season 4 qualification than the USA has at winning season 3.

Royce: Yeah, even Focus hasn’t improved his record against Group A’s players, he’ still got a terrible record against Zeus, Mario-min, Sunny, QuartzMoose and Musoooootta with 1 in 6, 0 in 1, 0 in 1, 0 in 1, and 0 in 1 win respectively.

Hobbs: Hopeless.

Royce: But he’s not the bottom of the table, that honour incredibly goes to Zeus who has won 0 games so far and stagnates in the lowest spot.

Hobbs: That’s incredible.

Royce: Yep. Not looking good.

Hobbs: So, let’s look at the combined standings so far.



Hobbs: China, Germany and Hong Kong have all made strong starts, winning all games played. India have lost 3 of their games so far and its early days for Italy. Still all to play for.

Ernie continues his strong form, defeating Giogdn and Bangerz.

Royce: Earnie could win this whole thing singlehandedly. Let’s look at Hong Kongs stats!

Hobbs: Umm… could we do Germany first?

Royce: You’ve created Germany’s graphics first, haven’t you?

Hobbs: … yeah.

Royce: Lack of forethought.

Hobbs: I expected Germany to be the top of the table.

Royce: Fine.

Hobbs: Great, first up we have Zeus.



Hobbs: Everyone knows Zeus.

Royce: Yep, he’s the guy who’s not quite as good as Sapperlot.

Hobbs: He’s the guy who had the vision to set up the Azul Discord server.

Royce: And subjected everyone to the emo Patime.

Hobbs: That’s a bit harsh.

Royce: As a great man once said – “Say what you see, if you see it – say it.”

Hobbs: Zeus is well known to everyone and was a finalist last year of course, where he won 3 of his 5 games, losing to CN_Azul and Sunny. He’s having to face Sunny again this time around, and Sunny is currently in his best form to date.

Royce: Come on Sunny!!!

Hobbs: Next up we have ABCDE:



Hobbs: ABCDE is another player well known to us.

Royce: Oh yeah. He’s one of the slowest competitors in the competition.

Hobbs: Sure, he likes to take his time, in fact his profile states:

"I always try to make the most of everything. Please understand that I will take the full time available."

Royce: He’s the reason we can only run the Azul Cup twice a year. Deadlines don’t motivate this guy. They accommodate him.

I think his slowness stems from the fact he never got beyond pre-school myself, but he did master the first 10 letters of the alphabet.

Hobbs: So, what about SchengW. I don’t know much about them.

Royce: I think that’s changed a whole lot recently, they’re more active on Discord and we’ve learned a bunch about them, they have remarked on your images if you recall.

Hobbs: Oh yeah, I do - queue their profile!



Royce: SchengW emigrated from China to Germany shortly after their, his… her successful feminization treatments. She’s become a really popular figure on the Berlin Queer scene where she met Zeus. Rumour has it Zeus built his best column yet when they met.

Hobbs: I really love it when people embrace who they are, I’m just pleased we live in a diverse and inclusive world.

Royce: Yeah, me too… as long as they keep themselves to themselves, stay in Europe, and don’t rub it in my face when I go to visit.

Hobbs: Err… OK. Well, I think that wraps up it for today. Will we be back tomorrow?

Royce: Maybe, but until then…

[Fade to Patime memes]

[Injured Pigeon]

Hobbs: Hello again everybody, and welcome to Azul Cup roundup.

Royce: Wow, 2 days in a row.

Hobbs: Yes, we’re really spoiling them!

Royce: Or you’ve hurt your hand and can’t do too much else…

Hobbs: … let’s get on with it shall we?

Royce: Sure.

Hobbs: Before we begin, we better discuss the recent controversy.

Royce: *sigh* There’s always some drama, Azul players are such snowflakes, what is it this time?

Hobbs: Well, it’s about bullying in the Azul community.

Royce: … Oh.

Hobbs: Yep. I think we need to address it today.

Royce: It’s just a bit of fun.

Hobbs: Not everyone see it that way Royce…

Royce: … Look, I get frustrated sometimes.

Hobbs: Yes, we all do.

Royce: Maybe things could be worded better…

Hobbs: … certainly could…

Royce: … if it helps, I’m sorry about the SchengW thing.

Hobbs: What? Oh, no, it’s not you.

Royce: Oh! Right. Really? I mean… sure – I knew that… who is it?

Hobbs: I don’t want to name names; it’s not about pointing the finger. I just think we need to make everyone understand that we’re all friends here, we help one another, support one another, tone can sometimes be difficult to convey in this format and no one condones or tolerates bullying, least of all us and the Azul Cup.

Royce: Too right. I think we should all put this behind us, get along, unite in a common cause for the betterment of mankind and focus our hate on the real villain here, Giogdn.

Hobbs: Well said Royce. So, with that now behind us, let’s get to the action.



Hobbs: China falters after recording 2 recent loses and finds themselves dropping front 1st place to 4th place. Mario_min seems to be having a hard time in tier one and has both of China’s losses attributed to himself. Germany on the other hand climbs to the top with an 100% record so far, 4 wins in 4 games. SchengW continues to show great form with 2 for 2 and ABCD12345 seems to have found his form again after defeating Priptonite and Blaze.

Royce: Priptonite lost a game? WTF?

Hobbs: Well, he lost 5. Those sleepless nights must be really kicking in. Hang in there Prip, they don’t last forever…

Royce: Nope. Just 18 years.

Hobbs: Germany are far from clear though, as both Hong Kong and Italy are also on 4 points each, with only one extra game played. Musoooota and Espirit are both 2 for 2, and the peoples champion ernie012 leads in Group C.

Royce: How are the USA and India fairing?

Hobbs: The USA are nose diving. They currently have 0 wins in 9 games thanks to 4 and 5 losses from Bangerz and Priptonite respectively. Focus must be wondering what he signed up for and is likely trying to find an alternate to step in as we speak.

Royce: Reish Galuta would shine in this season’s USA team.

Hobbs: Surprisingly, India also seems to be struggling, with only 2 wins in 6 games.

At the minute, it looks like India and the USA are out of contention. Germany has a great opportunity to finally lift the Cup, but they've been in this position twice before, and twice before the pressure has overcome them. Could this be their season?

Royce: My hopes are pinned on Hong Kong. Everyone is fearing the sub 600 ELO ernie012, who keeps on claiming scalp after scalp. He’s leading in his game against Qaz.

Hobbs: Well’s that’s the round up. We still have a little airtime left, shall we do a team spotlight?

Royce: Sure.

Hobbs: OK. Let’s take a closer look at one of the lesser-known teams in the Azul Cup, second placed team, Italy. First, we have Musoooootta.



Hobbs: Musoooootta is the only Italian player to have a premium account on BGA.

Royce: … how is that relevant?

Hobbs: It becomes relevant later – just go with it for now.

Royce: OK. Well, this guy looks like he gives unsolicited life advice that starts with ‘when I was travelling…’ and somehow ends offering you a great opportunity to join a pyramid scheme.

Hobbs: He looks happy in his profile picture; do you remember ever being that happy Royce?

Royce: Please. He probably owns exactly one good photo and it’s been doing PR work for a decade. Since then, he’s had 4 kids, put on 40lbs, been divorced and to top it all off – recently met Giogdn. I imagine he looks more like this these days…



Hobbs: Prip’s future awaits. Despite his relatively low ELO, Musoooootta is clearly an experienced tournament player. He won all his regional games and starts the finals strong with a surprising win over Sunny369.

Royce: Next up we have Giogdn.



Hobbs: Did you know that Giogdn knows 4 different languages. Four!

Royce: You’d think he’d have a more diverse vocabulary in game-chat then in that case.

Hobbs: My best guess is that his day job is in technical support.

Giogdn had a great regional round, crushing the competition in a mere day and taking away 5 victories. Unfortunately, we can’t take a look at Giogdn’s stats as BGA breaks if you’ve played more than a few thousand games, and Giodn has a combined total of over 30000 games played on BGA.

Royce: Honestly, this site. I better put a tech support call in then, one second.

[*briiiing-briiiing*]

Giogdn: Ciao. BGA support desk, what do you want?

Royce: Hi, Royce here from the Azul Cup, I wanted to let you know that the site isn’t working again.

Giogdn: Do you know how many stupido calls I get about this!? The dev team are aware of it already.

Royce: Oh great. When will it be fixed?

Giogdn: Why are you asking moi? I don’t know. They have more important things to work on than making sure the site is reliable for its customers.

Royce: Like what?

Giogdn: They’re busy trying to fix the RNG, it’s been broken since 2020-06-05.

Royce: Really?

Giogdn: Ja, really. Sure as shit it ‘aint working right, I’ve been testing it a lot.

Royce: BGA sucks.

Giogdn: We just don’t get the funding we need, too many standard account freeloaders.

Royce: You suck too you know!

Giogdn: Si *sigh*

Royce: Bye.

Giogdn: Adiós.

[*click*]

Hobbs: Any luck?

Royce: Nah, he’s a dick.

Hobbs: That’s a shame. Next up is Espritdescalier.



Royce: So, what do we know about her?

Hobbs: Not a whole lot really. She played Pigeon in the regionals and during their chat log, he got only a “:)” and a “Gg” – my guess is that her English isn’t that great.

Royce: Oh in that case… Espritdescalier is the wife of Giogdn. There, it’s out, everyone now knows.

Hobbs: Did you know that “Esprit de l’escalier” is a French phrase that literally means “staircase wit.”

Royce: Are you saying that she’s slow witted?

Hobbs: You’re the one who said she’s married to Giogdn.

Royce: Fair point.

Hobbs: Credit to Esprit though. We haven’t been able to put an Italian team together for the past 2 seasons, but thanks to her we now have an awesome Italian side that qualified from a highly competitive group. My thanks to Esprit.

Espirit has won her first 2 games, and has recorded her first win against Priptonite.

Royce: Go Italy.

Hobbs: Indeed. Italy could go on and win the whole competition. Good luck Italy!

[Fade to Luciano Pavarotti]

[Injured Pigeon]

Hobbs: Hello again everybody, and welcome to what could very well be the last Azul Cup roundup of Season 3.

Royce: Why are you so sure about that?

Hobbs: Well, all the signals are in place: The poll has been run – and Germany came out on top. People no longer remember a time that they weren’t playing in the Azul Cup. We’re getting fatigued. Players are starting to break under the pressure, but more significantly most of the players have almost completed all their games.

Royce: And there it is… “Most”.

Hobbs: Your point?

Royce: We all know that this isn’t over until Zeus says it is, and yet again his Ego is keeping us all here, long after we all want to go home, by playing only a single game in a week – a week Hobbs, a %$&£*%$ Week!

Hobbs: Luckily, we’re all having fun!

Royce: …

Hobbs: Right?

Royce: Do you hear the broken man that is Priptonite having fun?

Hobbs: Well, not this season, but’s he has other things going on right now.

Royce: It’s damn early for him to start blaming everything on the baby. Forget Priptonite then, do you see Sunny having fun? He feels like the whole of China is ganging up on him.

Hobbs: Misunderstanding? A tad sensitive?

Royce: OK, and what about poor Musoooootta. It’s really taken a toll on him, just look at his timeline:



Royce: So, no Hobbs – No, I don’t think anyone is having fun anymore, least of all me!

Hobbs: …

Royce: And if no one other than Zeus gives me a bloody smiley face on that last image I can tell you now, you’ll have to find some other stupid mother &%$£%& to do punditry for season 4!

Hobbs: … I can like it if you want.

Royce: That’s lame Hobbs - don’t shame me like that bro.

Hobbs: Do you want to take a break? I could take the rest of it from here?

Royce: Yes, I’d like that, I’d like that a lot.

Hobbs: OK. You take it easy friend.

Royce: Good old dependable Hobbs…

Hobbs: So, let’s look at the leader board…



Hobbs: China have rallied against the odds and climbed back up into the 1st place after winning 5 of their last 6 games, and knocking Germany from the top spot. Ximuuu is showing great consistency atop Group B with 3 wins in 3 games and looks set to have a close end game with Germany’s ABCD1234, but looks marginally ahead in what could be a very critical game.

Meanwhile, qazxswedc…

Royce: Aren’t you just glad he changed his name from Self-Evident to force you to have to copy and paste the keyboard mash of a username?

Hobbs: I thought you were leaving.

Royce: I can’t, it’s like crack, this is to me what Azul is to Priptonite. What cat pictures are to Patime, and what Patime is to MayMay.

Hobbs: Welcome back. As I was saying, if rumours are true, then qazxswedc is showing everyone what it means to be a professional boardgame player as he Red Thumbs all other competitors to prevent anyone else from viewing his active games.

Royce: Are you sure that’s the reason?

Hobbs: What else could it be?

Royce: Are you sure he just didn’t want anyone to witness the Azul Wrecking machine that is sub 600 ELO Ernie012 kicking his butt?

Hobbs: I’m pretty sure it’s the professional inside him.

Royce: There’s another Bangerz joke in there somewhere…

Hobbs: Qaz defeated SchengW and puts China ahead in the head-to-head.

Mario-min vs Zeus in Group A also looks set to a thrilling final. Zeus leads by 2 points as Mario chases down another column, but on the face of it, Zeus looks to be slightly ahead. These are all close games.

Hong Kong tie with China on 8 points but have played one more game. In the top three teams, Sunny beat Mario, and still has Zeus to play. CTx5 defeated ABCD1234 but lost to Ximuuu and Ernie lost to SchengW but as we already said, beat Qaz…

Royce: It’s worth mentioning again. But what does it all mean?

Hobbs: I don’t know for sure, but I think it means that you’re right - it’s not all over yet.

Royce: I knew it! You heard it folks, it’s not over until the fat bloke sings…

[Fade to the sounds of Musoooootta]

[Injured Pigeon]

Hobbs: Hello again everybody, and welcome to what could very well be the last Azul Cup roundup of Season 3.

Royce: Wasn’t Groundhog Day Monday?

Hobbs: Could be. Do we have anything new to talk about today?

Royce: You know what? Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up and how you thought the day might start is just completely different to how it goes?

Hobbs: I’m 48 years old, I’m pretty much bedded into my routine.

Royce: Well, this morning was not at all as I expected. I fed the dog, grabbed a cup of tea and a slice of toast, and sat down at my desk to do some work. Then I noticed I had 5 DMs on the Discord channel.

Hobbs: Priptonite asking for tips again?

Royce: Not this time, no. It was from my old friend AbCdEfGhIj12345.

Hobbs: Oh dear.

Royce: What?

Hobbs: You used his name in full… this can’t be good.

Royce: As I was saying, FIVE whole messages. The first one reads “Make some fun of me”.

Hobbs: … OK.

Royce: I’m confused about what I have been doing up until now… anyway - the second one is a photograph of him at some wintery farm.

Hobbs: … … I’m not sure I like where this is going…

Royce: The third one… well… it’s an actual voice message, whereby he goes on to tell me how angry his wife is with him and… you know what…? Rather than me tell you about it, have a listen to it yourself…

[Join us on Discord to hear the clip]


Hobbs: … … WTF!?

Royce: Right? I’m not so sure it’s just a cold he’s got, I think he’s got hyperthermic delirium. For the benefit of those viewing on BGA forums, let me break this bizarre audio clip down…

[rustle of papers]

Royce: Ahem! Here it goes –
“Yeah, if you want to create a nice card for me, you can use this photo and see under which circumstances I try to make Joyce happy…”

Hobbs: Who’s Joyce?

Royce: I think he’s saying Zeus, in Germany Vs are Ws, and Zs are Js… it’s a weird place.

Hobbs: OK, but what about the 4 other letters in that name?

Royce: Maybe it’s the name Zeus goes by at the weekends – I don’t know! Anyway, I’ll continue.

“… and win a couple of games currently, or the whole week I’m on vacation with two daughters and wife and friends…”

Hobbs: Clearly not SchengW and Joyce of course…

Royce: “… and go skiing and have absolutely no time during the day, and now we are going for honey riding…”

Hobbs: Honey riding?

Royce: Another reason his Wife isn’t happy, I’m sure. The last time I went Honey-Riding her indoors was very unhappy, very unhappy indeed - even now she refuses to let me talk about it… or look at the photos I took while riding bareback. I’ll continue…

“ with the daughters. And, Yeah, I thought maybe you can. My wife took this photo, because all the time I’m on the cell phone and trying to think about it. But then in the evening, I use the laptop, which is not happy about taking with them during a vacation.”

Hobbs: Hang on. Is he saying his laptop isn’t happy about him taking his friends and family on vacation with them?

Royce: That’s how I’m interpreting it… I told you, he’s delirious.

Hobbs: Please, continue…

Royce: “And yeah, in the evening with the laptop trying to calculate a couple of positions. And yeah, try to win. And yeah, during the day, I’m always on my cell phone, so it’s complicated, but giving my best. Yeah, make some fun of me. Yeah.”

Hobbs: He says “Yeah” a lot, doesn’t he?

Royce: “Yeah” …. You know the thing I find funny?

Hobbs: Is it that he’s gone skiing in February when most sane Westerns go to hotter climates to get away from the sh1t weather?

Royce: I think we’ve established that he’s clearly not sane, but no not that. The thing that I find funny is that despite his Wife being unhappy that he’s on his phone playing Azul all day, despite the fact his kids aren’t happy that he isn’t joining in on the fun, and despite the fact his friends probably aren’t happy they went away with someone who isn’t engaging with them, despite all of this… what does he do? He goes on his phone to send us texts, a voice call, a photo and asks us to make fun of him and has likely been checking his phone ever since for his Card!

Hobbs: Just incredible.

Well, here is your “Card” - I hope it’s been worth it!



Hobbs: Ooo, that’s harsh.

Royce: Justified, I think.

Hobbs: Are you really going to leave him hanging like this? I think you’re right -he’s probably been waiting all day for his meme… give him what he wants.

Royce: Oh. You’re just a big softie… fine, here it is:






Hobbs: Hah! I like the photoshopped Hobby-horse/unicorn.

Royce: Oh, that part wasn’t photoshopped. Apparently, he takes it with him wherever he goes… that and his laptop of course.

Hobbs: Well, I must admit, that’s not how I expected things to go tonight. Now then, shall we give the fans their roundup?

Royce: Let’s go for it!



Hobbs: Zeus racks up two more wins today and takes the German side to the top of the leader board, now clear of China by 1 point and 1 game in hand. His victory over Sunny and Mario gives Germany a huge advantage. But AbCd12345 and XIMUUU go into a 6th round…

Royce: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA – that’s %&$£&£ priceless, I wonder if he’s broken it to his wife yet.

Hobbs: Ximuuu looks to have the game in the bag against Espirit and Qaz and Giogdn still have their game to play, but boy is it getting scrappy. So, China is not out of the running just yet – mathematically anyway.

Hong Kong is the first to complete all their games and finish on a highly respectable 9 points, which is likely enough to secure them their highest finishing position to date in the competition, well done Hong Kong.

Italian Musoooootta unceremoniously times Focus out and delivers a third successive defeat to him, and a hefty dent to his ELO, but not his ego, as he takes it all in his stride.

Royce: Great sport. But honestly, he’d have lost anyway.

Hobbs: The USA team just haven’t turned up for the finals this season, I don’t recall a national side ever not winning a single game in the finals.

Royce: One to tell the grandkids, Priptonite.

Hobbs: Italy stay in a very respectable fourth place. India, who seemed so strong, fail to climb any higher than fifth and it looks like that’s where they’ll remain. It’s almost all over and it’s looking very much like Germany will lift the trophy this season.

Royce: And what about the Golden Tile award for the player with the most wins throughout?

Hobbs: Well, adjusting for the regionals group D, Musoooootta and SchegW are tied on 8 wins. Unsurprisingly, the only player that could beat them is Zeus, who if he wins his 2 remaining games will complete the competition with a clean sheet and 9 wins total, to lift the Golden Tile award once more… but I’ll let Raven confirm all of that!

[Fade to the sobs of AbCdEfGhIj12345’s wife]

[Injured Pigeon]

Hobbs: Hello, and welcome to what is officially the last Azul Cup Round-Up!

Royce: The last? I have complete Musoooootta skit planned.

Hobbs: Well, I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to save that for season 4.

Royce: I’m so going to replace you with ABCDE12345 next season.

Hobbs: Today is about celebrating our finalists, competitors, friends and of course our Champions.

Royce: … even USA?

Hobbs: Absolutely. So, without further-ado congratulations to Germany your Season 3 Azul Cup Champions!



Royce: Well-done Germany.

Hobbs: Both Zeus and Abcde12345 finished top of their groups, and SchengW finished joint top with Qaz, losing out only in their head-to-head game. 13 points in 15 games is an amazing feat. And congratulations to Zeus who also wins the golden tile award following 9 successive wins, and not a single loss in the competition, and at this level that is both remarkable and unprecedented.

Royce: Well done Zeus – you earned it buddy!

Hobbs: We should also extend our thanks to Abcde12345’s very understanding and tolerant wife for allowing him the time to complete his games and sacrificing a portion of his vacation to do so.

Royce: Yes, this is probably the happiest day of Abcd123’s life.

Hobbs: Well-done also to China for taking the runners-up spot. This season’s team has been absent the colossal CN_Azul and Phosphate but the team that showed up for the competition just demonstrated the talent that China has, well done Mario_min, Ximuuu, and Qaz – you did your nation proud.

Hong Kong took third place and achieved their highest finish so far in the competition despite being the lowest rated team in the finals. Well-done Sunny, CTx5 and Earnie, we all look forward to seeing you climbing higher next season.

Royce: Quite. Just imagine how awesome Earnie will be next season.

Hobbs: Perhaps most remarkable of all this season is the outstanding performance of first timers Italy. I think Musoooootta, Espirit and Giogdn surprised everyone by doing so well in qualification and also in the finals. I feel like we’ve all got to know them a little better and I hope they’ll join us again for season 4.

Royce: Yeah, I’ve even started to warm to Giogdn. I’ll put a 1 in the friends’ box next season buddy.

Hobbs: India didn’t quite live up to our expectations in the final, but they’re a new team with a lot of talent and perhaps the nation with the greatest potential for improvement next time around. Good show Blaze, Quartz and Djoker.

Hobbs: And finally, team USA…

Royce: What are you’re going to say now?

Hobbs: Erm… well done for achieving a new record in the Azul Cup, the first ever finalists to avoid winning a single game.

Royce: Outstanding.

Hobbs: In all seriousness though, this clearly wasn’t their season. The USA are former Azul Cup champions, so we all know what they are capable of. This season – it just didn’t happen, but I’m sure they’ll dust themselves off and will come back much stronger next time, especially when Priptonite is not functioning on 4 hours sleep a day.

Hobbs: And there we have it. It’s been another great season! Thank you everyone. Our most heartfelt thanks goes out to all of the Competitors of Azul Cup season 3. It goes out to The_Raven_Returns, mxbertman, Santias1 and Espirit for forming new national sides to join us all, kudos.

To Giogdn, Musoooootta, Bangerz, Sunny, SchengW and all the others that have been good sports throughout the roasting, to those that help with source material: Priptonite for planning the delivery of his baby to coincide with Azul Cup 3 (I expect the next one for Azul Cup 5), ABCDE12345 for sending us the most unexpected message ever, to Raven for always checking and correcting my facts, and big thanks especially to those that have put their own personal time in to make Season 3 special and easier for us: Codeninja for scripting some of the tedious admin work for us and Brennan for an awesome Season 3 theme song, it really helped open the competition and we look forward to season 4s.

You’re all amazing people – and we can’t wait to see you again for season 4!

Royce: Bye for now.

[Fade to the Das Lied der Deutschen]